1st Story

The town I'm from -like every town- is full of characters. This particular tale revolves around a guy named Zombie Huerd. The Huerds are an infamous clan, one of the other notable members having survived a toilet falling on his head.
Zombie lives on a couple of acres north of town in a little trailer house. He is known for two main distinguishing characteristics. First, his sewage pipe runs right into the backyard. This has resulted in a foul and reeking toilet-paper-clump festooned poop-pond. This pool of festering cess is where Zombie's extensive population of ducks and geese swim and feed. Zombie, in a miracle of recycling eats these filth feeding fowl -thus making more shit to feed the next round of birds. Also in Zombie's twisted menagerie was a honest-to-goodness black bear. This ushers us into part 2.

--Part 2.--
Zombie loved the hell out of this bear. It was easily his most treasured possession. He treated it better than his own children (to whom he fed shit-plumped geese). For example, every spring Zombie would rent a horse trailer and move the bear into it while he shoveled out its cage. Quite often Zombie would invite his friend Wolfie Hagen and they would make an evening out of it -drinking a case of Pig's Eye Pilsner apiece and taking turns with the pitchfork.
Soon enough it's about 9 at night and Wolfie is a lifetime problem drinker. There's a boatload of Wolfie stories that old guys tell to each other every night at the VFW. Wolfie has more plastic and steel in him than a Lincoln Navigator. So by 9pm on any night he's holding more barley than a grain silo. He looks at the sofa-sized omnivore lounging in the horse trailer and thinks,

Hey, when's the next time I'm going to get a chance to wrestle a bear?

It was a good twenty minutes before Zombie could get the bear off of Wolfie. He had to pry it's jaws off of his forehead with a jack handle. The doctors say if it wasn't for the metal plate reinforcing his temple Wolfie never would have survived.
Sadly the bear did not. The cops were called and the animal was put down.

Epilogue:
Zombie was forced to pull an Old Yeller. He got a DUI the next night and Goober Hockstedtler the cop who busted him said he was crying like a girl and that was more likely why he was swerving than the pitchers of Bud he had swallowed.